Ok, not sure how i am going about this whole bloggin thingy but will give it a whirl and see what happens!
The reason for me starting this blog is that I am deaf and am hopefully(fingers crossed, touch wood) going to be getting a cochlear implant this year.
I got my first hearing aid at 18, and the left one when I was 21 years old. Got to be said I didn’t take it all in my stride. Now my hearing in the right side has hit rock bottom and the left ain’t to great either, I am profoundly deaf. I only wear my left aid now as the right one is to far gone for H.A’s. I have been brought up in a hearing world and never had any sign or anything, I just got on with it. Not been easy, I will say that, but I’m sure I will whittle on later and bore everyone who read this.
Below is some stuff that I have been writing on my PC but now I am going to be using these pages.
This is me. Screwed up nonsense.
The following is over a period of time when I just need to get stuff off my chest and have no means of doing it apart from internal screaming.
2009 autum/winter. The dark months.
So now and forever more I am stuck in this fucking quiet world not really knowing what the fuck is going on, when there is more than one person here with us( me and J). 3 is cool, 4 -I am really starting to push it! I haven’t been wearing my aids as much, J isn’t really getting into using his hands and I do hear just enough to know that he is shouting at me. I DON’T HAVE MY AIDS IN, IT’S NOT REALLY GOING TO MAKE ANY DIFFERNCE IF YOU USED A FUCKING MEGA PHONE! Rephrase, that’s what I need. How do you manage to keep calm about this shit, you know.
God I wish I could just get a grip of this and be able to be cool, not give a shit and have a good time. RELAX, RELAX, RELAX as much as that should help it doesn’t, I like to know what’s going on you see. I always have been like that.
Tonight it got me bad, I cant hear when J shouts me but he expects me to be the same back. He isn’t deaf and can hear me. I know I have asked him to use his hands when I don’t have my aids in and I don’t use them as much but I NEED him to do this or I am forever lost in quiet. Our communication is going to become so stained and difficult that we won’t bother.
I am coming full circle and am afraid, that’s it really. Started with nothing, got one, went on to 2 and now am reverting back to one and then is it going to be none??? Silence takes over me more easily. I am happier on my own, that scares me more than anything and everything. Not because I am happier because it is easier. I don’t have to worry about what people say and act upon it. I can be me.
I may have had a bottle of wine but it’s not gonna come out of me when I’m sober because I try so hard not to think about it. Im not pissed just thinking and typing.
As above with not bothering, I have seen it first hand, from a child. Mortan and Wilma, Mortan deaf as, well I am, or he was?! I used to watch as a child at how they interacted and now it is me. How is see my life of silence in front of me. It terrifies me and calms me at the same time. That must sound crazy. Its hard to come to terms with and I think about it all the time, every waking minute and when I am asleep, in my dreams I am still deaf. My tinnitus is going to drive me over the edge one day.
I think about Morton a lot. How did he cope? I wish I had spoken to him more. He was there when I got my first hearing aid, I remember. He had a sad look in his eye, it scared me, at 18. Sweet, sweet man.
My dog is twitching in the fire glow( halogen heater!!) beside me as Morton’s Crag would be beside him. Beautiful boy he was. I need those doggy ears.
This is January 2010 the 17th.
Im writing this before I forget the feeling.
On Friday night just past a fishing boat got stranded on the rocks in front of our house. We are up the hill a bit but have a clear view down to the beach.
It was dark and windy outside. A sea king helicopter was called it came along with a massive beam of light from underneath. Beautiful in the dark. But the noise, it was crazy, scary and uplifting. Especially with the gusts, wind brings you the noise then snatching it away. Seconds later I am engulfed by noise and it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I cannot see were the noise is coming from, just a beam of light. I see through binoculars, the fisher men winched up to the heli, the noise is deafening, but awesome and full, like an orchestra. Or how I would imagine an orchestra would be.
Light flicker, torches flash and then all falls silent again.
Hours later I look out the window and see a beam from the shore over the hull of the blue boat, stranded on the rocks, in the black and just the sound of the waves is left.
I went for a shower this morning and now my hearing aid is not doing anything for my left year. I am( and J) hoping that its just water trapped in there, as it’s
happened before. By god its freaking scary and I cant hear anything. It is very strange not even being able to put a hearing aid in for help. Mmm
Trying not to fiddle with my ear to much as it is already sore and red. Just have to wait and see (fingers crossed) if it dries out and my wee drop of hearing, that I do have over there, comes back.
Ive got to take the dog out and am, well not worried about it but slightly anxious, cause I cant hear. This all sounds insane, I am deaf and cant hear but this is not being able to do anything about it (i.e. hearing aid), just quiet with tinnitus blasting away internally. I am very close to freaking out at the moment but have to stay focused and get on with stuff. Give it time Turmeau.
Right, the dog……..
Part of email to sis fIona in the 4th Feb 2010
Im not really worrying im scared but in a good way , I totally understand that this is the way I have to go. I know this may sound weird but I have felt like Morton for a long time and that is so very scary to be locked in a silent world. I have to do this for myself. I love people and want to be able to communicate with them again.
Got a a lot to write here as cochlear implant is the future. Soon ok.
6th April 2010
Late, as usual!
OK yesterday I put the above notes on to my facebook page. I have had some lovely comments back from friends which gives me confidence to do that again without feeling a bit of a tit. Not that im bothered what other people think but its nice to know you have support. If I don’t write I may loose my sanity, im never very far away from that point.
Still awaiting my assessment and getting twitchy. I have become a member of the C.I group on yahoo, have had great feedback from them. It is amazing to
read other peoples blogs and find out how they coped with all this, cause my mind is melting with all this info! Every day I am finding out new things about C.Is and thinking of strange questions to ask the group.
Sometimes I just sit in terror and stare blankly at the world outside our window wondering about nothing, everything and bloody hell this is gonna happen, am I strong enough for this shit.
For so long I have been stuck in silence and all of a sudden there is this thing which they implant into my head which is gonna give me so much better hearing. I am never gonna be NOT DEAF but this will be so much better than H.As. That is hard to get my head round. The only reason I can get this C.I is because I am severely/profoundly deaf.
I’ve been sinking for a long time and the mud is up to my ears(in them) and I’m (fingers crossed) gonna be pulled out the mud and hosed down. It might take a year or two but nothing, nothing is a bad as being so separated from everything and everybody, everyday. I am a hermit but not of my own making. I have a brightly coloured shell.
I think id better go to bed, got sore neck from sitting here to much.
The next day
I am slowly working through all my crap in the workshop and tidying up, been a long time!! So I found a picture from way back when, Cardonald college time, first hearing aid time at 18years old. My god I was pretty screwed up back then. That’s the thing that’s odd, wasn’t really all that long ago(dec 09) that I thought I was always gonna be stuck in silence forever but now I have the new outlook, things are gonna get better!! I cant really get my head round( I say this lots!!) that at the mo, been to long the opposite way. Slowly winding myself down to this solitude for the rest of time, sparkle had just about gone out. Mmmm
The sun is just about out today and my tulips are looking like they might come out! I have a jasmine in the sitting room which has come into bloom, oh what a wonderful smell. When you spend so long not hearing things my other senses become so much more attuned. I smell things so much more intensely and see stuff out of the corner of my eye( not good when im driving!!) will these dull when I get my C.I?
Questions rattling round my brain not rattling, piling up waiting for answers.
Thats all for now.
GOT MY ASSESSMENT DATE- 28th April. EEk